Category Archives: Uncategorized

On the Short Side

Let me start out by saying I’m used to being the short kid on the block. I’m 5’2. I’m so short that it actually weirds me out to meet people shorter than I am. It’s like I’m suspicious that they’re suddenly going to unzip their skin and a taller person is going to unfold and step out like something out of a cartoon. Because…you know…that could happen.

I’m also used to being the weird kid on the block. It’s cool.

But what I never seem to get used to is all the problems that crop up when you’re short. Here’s my list of annoyances in no particular order:

1) When tall people put things on shelves. Seriously. My husband is 6’2. He puts things on high shelves because to him it’s eye level or just above. To me, it’s Siberia. I know it’s there but I couldn’t tell you anything else about it. This becomes a huge deal when he does things like move the coffee filters from the bottom shelf of the kitchen cabinet to the top shelf and I can’t make my morning coffee. Don’t mess with my caffeine. It makes up half of my genetic material at this point.

2) Trying to kiss a tall person. I mentioned my husband is 6’2. That’s a foot taller than me, folks. The logistics of trying to land a kiss correctly gets pretty interesting. Calf cramps hurt, and I have no sense of balance. I’ve been known to tip over trying to make out with him. It may have been cute to him the first couple times, but five years later not so much. At least not to me. I’m a fully grown woman; I don’t want to fall over like a heavy-headed toddler.

3) Capris. THEY LIE. They do not hit you at the right place in your leg and you either wind up looking oompa loompa short or like you’re wearing rapper shorts. Man rapper, not the tiny little things the girls in the video wear. It’s not attractive.

4) Regular pants. “Short” lengths seem to only go to my ankles and regular lengths go an inch (or more) past my shoes. It’s a hazard! I once got my pants stuck in a door that slammed shut behind me and almost depants-ed myself because I was moving and my pants were not. Instead I wound up faceplanting while trying to hang into my jeans so I didn’t show everyone I work with my underwear! Jeebus. Someone had to open the damn door for me so I could even stand up. My life is ridiculous sometimes. Just last night I caught my toe in my pajama pants, tripped, and left a faceprint on my balcony door.

5) The sun visor in your vehicle. It’s a damn tease. You want it so bad, but nope, it isn’t gonna help you even a little bit.

I’m sure tall people have their problems too (I have personally seen my husband whack his head numerous times on low doorways. It’s funny every time.) but short people have our own unique problems with the world. Maybe that’s why we tend to rant on when we’re angry? 😉

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Marriage and the Antibiotic Olympics

I’ve mentioned before how the Mr. has been struggling with his health, especially over the last year. First he had digestive issues and then he developed a diabetic ulcer on the ball of his foot that he’s struggled with for nearly a year now. He took as much sick time and short-term disability as he could from his job, but eventually it reached a point where his job felt forced to let him go and he lost his insurance. Trying to get insurance through the state (my job does not offer any health insurance) has been a whole other herd of lions to fight, and in the meantime, he was unable to keep receiving the medical care he had been getting and things got bad for him – and then they took a turn for the worst.

He wound up being hospitalized for three weeks, guys. Diabetes, bone infection, and sepsis are no joke. They will take your body and hold it hostage. The man has been through so many powerful antibiotics that I almost believe he could be immune to herpes at this point.

When a bone becomes infected, there isn’t much they can do. Even with aggressive antibiotic therapy it can still spread and spread quickly – even to your blood. And since your blood goes everywhere in your body it is extremely dangerous. He wound up having the second toe and some of one of the long bones in his foot amputated and was still so septic he had to remain in the hospital for an extended amount of time.

So much time that we wound up spending our very first wedding anniversary in the hospital. I had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a piece of cheesecake, in case you were wondering. It was delicious.

It was also not at all how I expected our first wedding anniversary to go, you know? Not that I ever put too much thought into my expectations for it, but still. Everybody always hints around that when you get married your relationship changes, but I didn’t really expect mine to. We had been together for four years beforehand. We had weathered serious issues in that time – the death of his father and subsequent family turmoil, a child custody arrangement on my end, moving in together and job changes. Getting married never mattered much to me but it was so important to him that it became important to me as well. It was less than two months later he developed the ulcer and the issue continued to snowball from there. I certainly didn’t expect the “in sickness and in health” portion of those canned wedding vows to become so front and center so soon.

And while those canned wedding vows may be the standard in wedding ceremonies, I am still me and I still have my shining sense of humor that has gotten me through the many shitty hands of cards that life has dealt me over the years. This whole experience has taken its toll on the Mr., and it breaks my heart to see him so down.

So I made it my personal mission to make him smile in some way every day. The man is my best friend and he puts up with all of my shenanigans and special quirks. He knows my house may be messy, but by god my towels will be folded just so and put in a certain place in the closet. He knows I like sweet, cold things just before bed and that I will always throw my leg over his in my sleep, almost like I’m afraid he’s going to jump up and make a run for it. Losing a toe and some bone? That’s ok, babe. It doesn’t change a thing about how I feel toward you. I’m still going to treat you the same and make fun of you just as much. It’s how I show my affection.

And with that in mind I contacted a friend of mine who makes shirts upon request. And BAM, these beauties came into fruition:

 

 

I know that second one has a small print, but it says “You can count on me, but only to 19!” 😉

Everyone who snickered at me when they said marriage changes things was absolutely right. That man is stuck with me now, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Pasta on the Floor

With school having started back up now, I am determined to cook more meals for my family. It sounds great, but half the time I’m running around like a crazy person and then I realize it’s time for dinner and I dint have a plan for it.

Yesterday I decided to make my chicken pasta – one of the girls’ faves and there’s aways leftovers to heat up for lunch the next day. I was excited. I went to the store, got my ingredients, came home, and got busy. I’m frying bacon to crumble, I’m cooking chicken, I’m even chopping veggies up to make the Mr. his own meal since he’s diabetic and can’t have all the carbs pasta brings to the table. As soon as my chicken gets done I throw my pasta in to boil while I crumble bacon and shred chicken. I make my sauce and toss is the whole shebang in a pan and sprinkle on parmesian cheese so it can bake for a bit and all the flavors mix together.

Twenty minutes later, the small wafting through my apartment has me drooling. I’m done waiting. So I throw open the oven, grab my potholders, grab onto my pan…and proceed to slip and flip the pan upside down as I pull it out. I now have pasta all over the bottom of my oven, all over the oven door, and trailing onto my kitchen floor.

The Mr. hears all of the commotion and comes running, worried I injured myself, and finds me staring blankly at this disaster and trying not to cry. I see him, panick for some weird reason, and reach down to grab my pan. I immediately throw it back down because, of course, it’s still blazing hot from being in the freaking oven.

I am the reason we can’t have nice things. Also, our pizza last night was delicious, thanks.

Playing “The Fool” Card

In Tarot, there’s usually (depending on your deck) a card titled “The Fool.” The most classic depiction of this is a young man with a knapsack looking behind him at a dog without realizing he is walking straight off of a cliff. This card could mean the guy’s an idiot for not realizing he is about to die, or it could mean that he’s aware of dangers but is trusting the path he is on will work out I’m the end.

It is a perfect representation of my life right now.

I had enough at my job. I tried so hard to do both of the positions they had forced on me, but the stress literally had me depressed and on the verge of crying all the time, which is not like me. I couldn’t sleep. I was barely eating. It was to the point I was considering going to the doctor and being put on medication to calm my anxiety so I could concentrate on the tasks at hand instead of staring at my computer screen frozen because I was terrified anything I did would be wrong. Huge red flag – I should not have to medicate myself to work.

I was talking about it with my sister-in-law and she mentioned they were needing a manager pretty bad at a new pizza shop her work opened a few weeks ago. I drove up there to apply and to my surprise also interviewed. A few days later I was offered the job and I was off on the next adventure in my life.

I’m so sad at the way it turned out at my previous job – I had worked hard, had some big successes, and it is the failures that will always haunt me. I liked working there, but trying to do two demanding positions as one person was too much. In my exit interview I begged them not to do the same thing to the next person. No one should be broken down like I was. I had no confidence left by the time I said enough was enough. It seems they took that to heart because they have now divided up my previous position into two.

My new job – managing a pizza joint in a nearby town – is a huge adjustment. I barely use any of the skills I learned at my previous job, I took a huge paycut, I work long hours on my feet and I get really bored sometimes when it’s slow. However, it’s a job and when I do get time off I don’t have to worry myself to death about what’s happening while I’m gone or try to catch up on less-critical work I wasn’t able to get to during the week. I can just be home and enjoy my family. That alone has been worth the transition.

I don’t necessarily feel like this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m not even entirely sure what my goals for that are anymore, honestly. This last six months has changed a lot of things for me and I’m on my way to becoming a new person because of those changes. Like The Fool, I just have to trust that things are going to work out. 

The theme of this blog is Life, Family, and Hilarity – so let’s get back to that, shall we?

Once Upon a Time Birthday Party

The big kid turned 11 a few weeks back, and for various reasons we didn’t have her birthday party until today. She’s obsessed with all things Once Upon a Time right now and requested that as her theme this year…not an easy thing to pull off. Walmart sure doesn’t carry those kinds of decorations and as seen in previous posts, I am so not a crafty lady! But I am determined and creative. I can usually throw something together and make it work out alright.

​I chose gold, black, and navy blue, and white for the colors since that’s what’s on the posters that I’ve seen. 

​I used apples as some of the decorations and as snacks for people, threw some fake rose petals down (Beauty and the Beast shout-out), and put out some chocolate chip cookies and store bought brownies for more snackage.

​Some of the kiddo’s stuff became decorations as well as more of the apples.

​The coffee table with the wicked witch’s apples.

​My unbiological sister helping me put together the cupcakes.

​I’m super proud of how these turned out…caramel apple cupcakes with roses on top! These tested me so much. When my first batch was in the oven, I went to pull open the door to see if they were done yet and I’ll be damned if the oven handle didn’t come off in my hand! The Mr. had to be my hero and fix it for me while I hyperventilated and wondered how in the hell I was going to fix the rest of my cupcakes! And you ever made caramel icing? It is surprisingly frustrating to unwrap all those caramels and takes forever to melt them down. 

​This was my absolute favorite part of putting together the party! The hearts in a box, ala Snow White and the Huntsman. The evil queen wants Snow White dead so she hires a hunter to kill her and bring her the heart as proof of Snow White’s death. So I came up with these little numbers – heart stress balls (for squeezability when you want to crush your enemies’ hearts) and filled the rest of the box with gold coins as a nod to the payment the hunter received for his dark deed. Thank you Amazon for having the perfect item readily available and shipped in two days! Lol.

All in all, the party was a big hit for the kiddos and I am so so happy it’s all over and done with until next year.

Minecraft Party, Take Two.

The last couple of years, the little one has wanted the same birthday party theme the big one had the year before. We had two Frozen parties, and now we’ve had two Minecraft parties. I’ve previously posted about Sophie’s Minecraft party (where I dyed my teeth green and made a cake so bad I looked for a toy dinosaur to stick on there and blame!), so at least I knew what mistakes I didn’t want to repeat this go-round. 

And I admit – I have a problem with procrastination. I always think I have so much time and then it bites me in the ass because I’m rushed and stressing. We seriously had NOTHING for this child’s party until the night before. I got out of work Friday and ran a few towns over to a Party City and decent-sized Walmart for decorations and presents.

The party was fantastic – we had just enough kids for chaos and screaming but not so many you couldn’t walk without knocking over anyone. Here’s some highlights:

​The cake mix – this time, I thought a green cake mix would be a fun surprise for everyone. I got nervous when it came out of the oven looking like mottled green and brown on top, 

​but when I was cutting it up to serve to the masses it was the vibrant green it advertised. 

​The blocks were part of the girls’ Minecraft playsets and the spider was A toy I bought for $10. It actually has wheels on it so it moves too. Brown icing and green sugar glitter made it more presentable. I wish I had taken pics after the candles were in and lit – it was so cool! 

​My little candle bundles. Red candles bundled together with a black one in the middle pushed up slightly higher to make a wick, wrapped with masking tape and I wrote “TNT” with a black Sharpie. Big hit!

​Our balloons. Regular colored balloons I took a giant (the biggest I have EVER seen!) Sharpie to. I inhaled so much Sharpie smell I started getting dizzy. 

​Now these little guys, I’m super proud of. While I was shopping at Walmart, I came across tiny cans of edible spray paint in the fondant section. I immediately grabbed them even though I wasn’t sure what I would wind up doing with it – but just look at ’em! Campfire marshmallows are bigger than the regular ones and worked perfectly for this idea. Then I just grabbed a small tube of black icing to draw on the faces. The kids went crazy for them!

​Pardon the bluriness, but you get an idea of how I decorated the ceiling fan over our table with poofy tissue paper balls and streamers torn into different lengths and tied to the fan blades. I went back and forth on whether I liked how it turned out, and there’s some debate on whether I almost set fire to the streamers while bringing the cake with the lit candles over to the birthday girl (I’m fairly certain there was no danger, but others watching disagree).

​Our table spread. I layered black tablecloth under the green (thank you, dollar store!) So both colors showed on the bottom, found a pot of green necklaces at Party City for St. Patty’s day I comandeered for the party because what kid doesn’t like to layer on the bead necklaces, bought pudding cups that I added icing to in our theme colors, and found jello cups in lemon-lime that were the perfect color. Everyone loved it, but the icing did start running and get a little watery-looking if not eaten right away.

​Party favors were a repeat of last year’s style, but almost all the candy was on sale this year and I didn’t make creeper faces on the cartons – I’d already inhaled way too much Sharpie and was afraid I’d go loopy! No one seemed to mind, but I wish I had done it.

So that’s my little’s Minecraft party in a nutshell. I also had green tassle banners over our balcony doors I didn’t get pics of, and spiders made out of balloons and streamers like the last time. All in all, the party was a huge hit and we all had a blast! Since we did so much ourselves it really kept the cost down which made me a happy mama.

A Stranger Called Me Fat Today.

That Mr. of mine plays a lot on the XBox and has made tons of friends on there…and a few frienemies. He has a headset so he can communicate with (aka, yell and/or boss around) the other guys on his team, and sometimes there are some heated moments. 

I guess today there was a guy on there making fun of autistic people. This immediately pisses off the Mr. He has worked with autistics for years and those people are near and dear to his heart. I’m not saying it was mature of him, but he turned the tables on the guy and started making fun of him. 

The guy proceeds to look my Mr. up on facebook (hello, creeper…) and make fun of me for being fat.

Yep. FAT. Wow…you’re a grown man and that’s what you come up with? I’m a little sad for him. Obviously he was so astounded by my big personality and shiny lady boobs that he couldn’t come up with anything better. 

Why does that always seem like “fat” is the default insult?  There’s so many better insults you can come up with! So disappointing, dude. 

So here’s my advise to him: take off the headset and go searching for those little bird eggs you call balls. You’re going to need them when you get tired of pounding palm town and finally venture out into the real world hoping for some female company that doesn’t involve “accidently” rubbing against someone at your local Walmart when you’re reaching for those hot pockets you’ll probably wind up going at American Pie style at. Grow up, little boy. In an actual fight, this fat lady would make you my bitch in about 30 seconds and then go make some cookies for my kids.

Just saying 😉

Kate Daniels is My Long Lost Bestie

I’m a bookworm. Always have been, always will be. I remember very clearly my sixth grade teacher once telling me to “get a life” when I turned in the number of books I’d read that week. In hindsight – what an asshole – but that’s generally the attitude I’ve always gotten when people uncover my bookish ways. Usually when they open my closet and see the shelves groaning under the weight of hundreds of books I’ve not been able to part with over the years. I may have switched to Kindle now (under duress!), but there is a certain magic in holding a book in your hands, the smell of paper and ink drifting to you as you turn the pages as fast as you can because you want to know where the story takes you next.

I also lean toward series of books, probably for the same reasons people get into tv shows. I want to see what happens afterward, I want to see characters develop and change. And one of my very favorites is the Kate Daniels series. If you haven’t read it and you like an alternate/world, little bit si-fy flavor, you’ll likely love it as much as I do. Particularly if you’re into mythology. The world building is these books is incredible, but the character development is just as amazing. Kate has insecurities and struggles just like us,  sometimes it’s hard to push through and let herself be happy, and she always gets knocked on her ass when she feels like she’s getting somewhere.

Hmm. Does that seem familiar to anyone else? No? Yeah, me neither.

Anyways, if you’re into reading you should absolutely give this series a chance.