That’s right, I am still alive and still writing, albeit a lot less than I used to. Working full time, managing a household, and still trying to be a sane human being is really kicking me in the butt. It’s been quite an adjustment for me. I miss only working part-time and having the energy to make my apartment have that tidy, lived-in look instead of it looking like the lunatics have taken over the asylum. I miss having time to plan and fix a full meal instead of dinner hour being a hunt and find food in the cabinets that will work together.

But mama’s busy taking care of business and paying bills, so some things take precedence. Like having clean underwear. Always important, right? That way if my pants fall off from working my butt off, I at least have something pretty to show for it. Ha!

I no longer just put stickers on boxes, people. I’m still a temp, but at least someone recognized that I am smart and quick to learn, so they gave me a computer and are sending me the containers that have issues within their computer system. I figure out what went wrong, who’s responsible, document it all, and fix the issue. I’m also almost entirely self-taught, which is kind of a big, impressive deal to me. I’m proud of myself when the floor supervisor comes up to me because he isn’t sure how to fix something. I also spend a whole lot of time walking around making sure physical inventory matches what’s in the system. It’s only once in a blue moon that it matches up, so I tend to catch a lot of mistakes. It’s always a good feeling to catch a mistake, like shipments that were supposedly shipped two months ago, yet have never been documented as being received. I’m sure that saves accounting a ton of headaches when the invoices are rolling in.

But…it does suck still being a temp. What I do isn’t an official job (since no one high up wants to admit it’s an official issue), so I can’t be hired for it. Very frustrating. I know my job isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but I’d still like more stability in my life. I have a family depending on me.

Wedding-wise, not much has been planned. I’ve been pretty busy doing the above-mentioned things, but I’ve got to start putting in some major effort. Or make a plan to elope. That’s looking tempting 😉

Bye for now.

I know I’m not the first person to go through this. I feel like that should be capitalized. THIS. This slump, this depression, this irritation boiling just under my skin and scratch, scratch, scratching. I’m so ready for a change, but stuck in the same loop of can’t-do-this-because-of-that and oh-that-sounds-great,-but…

It started with a change in my work hours. I used to be on the day shift, 6am-2:30pm, but then things went sideways when the other two temps got hired and I was left all by my lonesome. Because of the timeframe window of when certain shipments come in, the higher-ups decided to change my hours to 10-6:30, which is okay in theory, but it turns out really, really sucks for me. I’m up at six all the time anyways since my oldest munchkin is in school, and by the time she’s on the bus, my youngest is up and needing food and clothes for the day. I get her settled, take the dog out, and then scramble to get myself ready for work. I spend all day feeling completely worthless since I only get to do what no one else wants to do and just a handful of people who work with me directly even know my name. Then I get to come home, immediately launch into making dinner, checking homework, fixing plates, scarfing down my own food, feeding the dog, and making sure the kids are showered for bed, getting them into bed (always fun with a toddler), cleaning up what I can/have energy for, and then crawling into bed myself to start it over again a few hours later.

Rinse. Cycle. Repeat. Yep, that’s my life.

I’m not allowed to complain about work, since the future Mr. has a job that truly is worse than mine. However, he also has four to five days off per week. He often has hours where he can do whatever he wants. And does.

Do you know what I could do with four or five days off in a row?

Good Lord, I have dreams of it. I could read a book. I could write until an entire train of thought has reached its conclusion. I could clean the entire place. I could actually do those things I pin on Pinterest while I’m pooping and pretending the dog Isn’t scratching at the door, the kids aren’t arguing, and that no one else has changed the toilet paper roll yet again or told me that we’re down to two squares in the main bathroom and hey, maybe that should be added to the shopping list that only I ever seem to use or do.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t stressed, or anxious, or worried. That I didn’t have a knot in the bottom of my stomach or feel like my whole life was unraveling right before my eyes and I have no idea how to grab onto the stands and braid them back together before whole pieces of me are lost.

I love my family. I do. But entire weeks go by with me feeling like none of them see me as an actual person who might need something from them, too. And then the guilt of that thought sets in, and the shame of it.

I’m a mom. I’m a woman. That’s what we do. We make things better for everyone else and pretend we have no idea why we cry at sappy movies.

Maybe I just need to watch Rocky instead. You know…if I ever get the time.

All the signs are here. Feeling lost in life. Pointless at my job. Irritable. Insecure.

Actually, I’m getting irritated just making a list of all the ways I’ve been annoying over the last few months.

The point is, something needs to change. I need to change. Or my family may strangle me.

It’s scary to realize I’m going to put myself out there again in a way I haven’t in a long time. I’ve always kept within a certain comfort zone when it comes to employment…well, life in general.

That’s about to change. I’ve decided to look for a new job, one that isn’t temporary and can be over at any moment. It’s hard to feel any sense of security when you know you’re expendable at any moment and even though you’ve been there for months and put your resume in, you keep seeing new hires coming through and feel completely passed over.

So that’s the plan. Guess I better get busy and get things done, huh?

Wish me luck!

We were driving down the road in the van, him behind the wheel. I was nervous, but had buried it under an attitude of super-casualness. I’d flicked my sandals off my feet and sat Indian-style in the seat, letting the hot air muss up the already messy curls I’d tried to stuff into a decent ponytail.

This wasn’t a date. Absolutely not. Never mind that I’d actually asked him to a movie, but we’d missed the start and gave up that idea. He’d suggested the orchard with the small zoo, but the potential for a romantic moment made me squeamish. I’d just gone through a brutal break-up and was in no place for anything remotely romantic. I was simply tired of feeling like a third wheel around my couple friends, and so was this guy. Surprisingly, we had never met before even though we had a big overlap of friends.

So we settled for going to a nearby town to grab ice cream and eat at the park. Honestly, I think I did most of the talking, and it was about my ex and everything I had been through. He was a great listener and told me stories of his own. We spent a couple hours just killing time and cracking up, then headed back.

At one point, I mustered up enough nerve to ask him what he thought about a girl who already has two kids by two different fathers. I admit it now – I’ve got some cracks in the casual facade I put on most of the time. It was a very important question to me, and by now I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t give me a line of crap.

He didn’t even hesitate to think about it. He just shrugged and said, “Well, it means you’ve had two failed relationships. It doesn’t mean anything bad about you, especially after talking to you and hearing how much you love your girls.”

And just like that, my heart thawed out a little. Seeing the world from his perspective…it’s amazing. It changed me, changed how I saw myself. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life.

And in seven months, I get to marry him.

It turns out I’m still not interested in dating 😉